OCD and ME

Getting this out of the way right off the top: I'm not sure I can describe all the feelings that go through my head when I have what OCD is telling me is a 'bad thought.' It's something I've been experiencing since I was a  child -- many, many times a day -- but I don't think I've ever fully described it to anyone. But I'm going to give it a try. Here goes: The thought comes into my brain out of nowhere. It could be a simple obscenity, or it could be an obscenity with someone's name attached to it. It could be an obscenity with my own name attached to it. Or it may have nothing to do with obscenities at all. It might be "I hate (fill in the blank)." Or it could be religion related (the worst of them all -- because OCD perceives it as offense against God for which I may never be forgiven). All that happens in a fraction of a second. Where I suppose someone without OCD wouldn't even know the thought was there, or if they did, woul...

Yesterday I was thinking about what my life would be like without OCD. Almost all of the differences would be positive, but as a friend reminded me, I believe that some elements of my personality (empathy, compassion) at least, in part, are stronger because I've had  mental health challenges. So here's a list -- a partial one, because who has time to read a comprehensive list, anyway? -- of things that would NOT be part of my daily life if I didn't have OCD. A constant need to count things (such as how many times I look at a religious symbol). A constant need to have items (such as scissors) pointing up and to the right, out of some OCD concept that up and to the right is good, down and to the left is bad. A fear that so many decisions I make will have some powerful implication on someone else's, if not everyone else's, well-being. And I don't mean major decisions, could be simply how I fold a bathroom towel or whether I throw away a piece of trash now ...

In July, I wrote about how "memory hoarding" is such a difficult aspect of OCD for me. Essentially, I see it as an OCD-fueled obsession to remember every detail of a moment, interaction, event so I don't forget it. Of course, that's almost impossible, so I end up regretting not being able to recall every detail. And to make it worse, by trying to remember every minute detail, I lose my view of the bigger picture, thus diminishing my recall even further. Last night, however, I think I found another aspect of memory hoarding. I had a great evening with friends at a comedy club and was pleased with myself for not doing the standard hoarding activities and just, instead, enjoyed the moments. But then, I noticed after I got home last night -- and then again today -- I started thinking about the evening, with my OCD brain telling me all the ways I messed up. How I "tainted" what was, sure, a fine evening but could have been so much better if I hadn't ...

When I'm around people I still have OCD, I just find ways of hiding it -- or more precisely -- of doing my obsessions and compulsions in ways that aren't so obvious. At work, I have a desk in the corner of the room that faces a wall. It seemed weird at first, but then it was somehow comforting. I now think it gives me a sense of privacy -- kind of having my own office, without the door. At my desk I do have my OCD moments -- counting, staring at things, praying and then of course sometimes hitting myself in the head to get certain compulsions to stop. As much as I think someone must have seen me do this, it's actually quite possible they haven't. I'm kind of an OCD ninja, or an OCD magician -- now you see it, now you don't. Did you see me do something compulsive? No? But I did, and right in front of you. At home I sneak my obsessive routines in when no one is looking -- praying, touching things a certain number of times, looking at things, showering and ...

In June, I wrote about "good" and "bad" numbers , according to my OCD. That's just the tip of the iceberg. My compulsions lead me to do a lot of things in certain number groupings. It's a fairly common OCD characteristic. In my case, sometimes those number groupings work in tandem with those "good" and "bad" numbers, sometimes they don't. OCD likes to play games. In this post, I wanted to just mention a fraction of my common numerical repetitions: 7: The number of times I pump the soap dispenser. If 7 doesn't feel quite right, then I increase it by multiples of 7, usually stopping at 21. (I go through a lot of liquid soap.) 4: Paper towels I pull out of the dispenser in the restroom to dry my hands. If 4 doesn't satisfy my brain, 7 generally does. If there are other people around, it's usually the quicker the better. 4: The number of pieces of garbage I will often throw out at one time or in quick succession. I...

Mirror, mirror on the wall, I can't look at you at all... If it were socially acceptable, I would cover up all mirrors I come across. I can't stand looking at myself -- even catching a glimpse of myself. If there's a positive attribute, my brain puts a negative spin on it. And if it's a negative attribute -- of which there are many to chose from -- my brain takes the opportunity and runs with it. I've never been formally diagnosed with body dysmorphic disorder, but given how I see myself, and the connection of BDD to OCD, I'd say there's a pretty good chance I have it to a degree. Growing up I was way overweight and short -- I'm still short (still waiting for that growth spurt into adulthood) but having spent time at the gym and paying some attention to my food intake, the weight has evened out. That said, when I look in a mirror, I see the unattractive stuff. Is it all real? I honestly don't know for sure. It seems real. And my OCD trainin...

It's not often, but sometimes to get a slight advantage on the bully that is OCD, I throw it a curve and think about the benefits of having OCD. Yeah, I know, there aren't many. And maybe it's stretching it to say there are any at all. But I came up with a few to throw in the bully's face. First, I believe having OCD has made me a compassionate person. There's no way to truly understand mental illness without experiencing it, in my opinion. I have empathy for others that I might not have if I didn't experience OCD first hand. I try hard to be non-judgmental. OK, I judge myself 90 percent of my waking hours -- but I do try hard to be non-judgmental of others. I give a lot of credit to my mother, who lived her life that way. But I also credit OCD. I have a better sense of what people may be going through because I know what I'm often going through. Speaking of my mother, she was excellent in a crisis. She was a nurse and a caretaker for her ill and a...