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If I didn't have OCD I would NOT ...

Yesterday I was thinking about what my life would be like without OCD.

Almost all of the differences would be positive, but as a friend reminded me, I believe that some elements of my personality (empathy, compassion) at least, in part, are stronger because I've had  mental health challenges.

So here's a list -- a partial one, because who has time to read a comprehensive list, anyway? -- of things that would NOT be part of my daily life if I didn't have OCD.

  • A constant need to count things (such as how many times I look at a religious symbol).
  • A constant need to have items (such as scissors) pointing up and to the right, out of some OCD concept that up and to the right is good, down and to the left is bad.
  • A fear that so many decisions I make will have some powerful implication on someone else's, if not everyone else's, well-being. And I don't mean major decisions, could be simply how I fold a bathroom towel or whether I throw away a piece of trash now or later.
  • A habit of hitting myself in the head to stop the OCD cycle.
  • An inability to look in the mirror without negatively judging my appearance.
  • Over-analysis of a conversation I just had -- complete with critique of my performance.
  • Over-analysis of a conversation I'm about to have -- complete with presumed affect of what will happen when I undoubtedly say something wrong.
  • Wasting my time checking and re-checking that doors are locked, light switches are "fully" off (as if there's such a thing as partially off), knives are not pointing up in drawers waiting to hurt someone, checking to see if my laptop is in the car on my way to work -- where it was when I checked 2 minutes earlier).
  • A fear of not praying "just right" and then either doing it over until it's done better or obsessing about the poor way I prayed and what that will mean to my well-being.
  • A fear that a bruise is a sign of cancer, that a sharp pain in my head is an indication of a brain hemorrhage, that a blister in my mouth will NEVER go away, that I'm going crazy, etc. 
  • "Bad thought" after "bad thought" after "bad thought." 
  • A need to mentally apologize for "bad thought" after "bad thought" after "bad thought."
Well, there's a very partial list.

It's kind of overwhelming to look at it. And I see now, by writing some of the obsessions and compulsions down, that I've likely underestimated when a therapist asks how much time I spend dealing with OCD each day.


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