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OCD by the numbers: Part 2

In June, I wrote about "good" and "bad" numbers, according to my OCD.

That's just the tip of the iceberg.

My compulsions lead me to do a lot of things in certain number groupings. It's a fairly common OCD characteristic. In my case, sometimes those number groupings work in tandem with those "good" and "bad" numbers, sometimes they don't. OCD likes to play games.

In this post, I wanted to just mention a fraction of my common numerical repetitions:

7: The number of times I pump the soap dispenser. If 7 doesn't feel quite right, then I increase it by multiples of 7, usually stopping at 21. (I go through a lot of liquid soap.)

4: Paper towels I pull out of the dispenser in the restroom to dry my hands. If 4 doesn't satisfy my brain, 7 generally does. If there are other people around, it's usually the quicker the better.

4: The number of pieces of garbage I will often throw out at one time or in quick succession. If I'm doing ok, I can throw something away and not give it much thought. But if not, then it's 4 items -- even if I have to break two items in half.

20: Number of times I apologize for things mentally during a compulsion. This is the elaborate one where I apologize for a whole list of offenses (that may or may not be real). I sometimes start with 10 and if that feels ok, I'll stop. If not, I'll move on to 20. I may do 20 twice in a day, but not three times (because 60 is "bad). If I do happen to do 60 because I forgot I did 40 already, then I'll do another 10 (because 70 is "good).

90: It's a common number for my repetitive thoughts. 80 is no good, 100 is iffy, and after that I tend to start all over. So if I can stop at 90 I can move on with my life.

Note: I say move on with my life, but the fact is, I can sometimes do all this counting while I'm doing other things. Not sure how -- and frankly, sometimes I lose count if I'm not focused, which causes more anxiety.

Addendum: It's hard to describe what it feels like to get the sense a number is "bad." It feels like an intense heightened anxiety that makes me want to flee my body. And that if I don't fix this "mistake," something terrible will happen. I have no idea what, but it'll be terrible.

Anyway, that's just a peak into my OCD numbers game.


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