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Sneaking in rituals, so no one can see

When I'm around people I still have OCD, I just find ways of hiding it -- or more precisely -- of doing my obsessions and compulsions in ways that aren't so obvious.

At work, I have a desk in the corner of the room that faces a wall. It seemed weird at first, but then it was somehow comforting. I now think it gives me a sense of privacy -- kind of having my own office, without the door.

At my desk I do have my OCD moments -- counting, staring at things, praying and then of course sometimes hitting myself in the head to get certain compulsions to stop. As much as I think someone must have seen me do this, it's actually quite possible they haven't.

I'm kind of an OCD ninja, or an OCD magician -- now you see it, now you don't. Did you see me do something compulsive? No? But I did, and right in front of you.

At home I sneak my obsessive routines in when no one is looking -- praying, touching things a certain number of times, looking at things, showering and washing a certain way. If someone comes into the room I pretend I'm doing something else until they leave and then I resume.

I've tried sort of letting the rituals be stopped short due to interruption or due to lack of privacy, and sometimes it's ok. But more often, there's a nagging feeling in my head that something is off and if things go bad, it'll be because I didn't finish the job.

It occurs to me that if I have this much control over how and when to do OCD rituals when someone is around, I should probably have enough control not to do them at all. It makes sense in concept, but in practice, it's not so easy.


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