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Anatomy of a 'bad thought'

Getting this out of the way right off the top: I'm not sure I can describe all the feelings that go through my head when I have what OCD is telling me is a 'bad thought.' It's something I've been experiencing since I was a  child -- many, many times a day -- but I don't think I've ever fully described it to anyone.

But I'm going to give it a try.

Here goes:

The thought comes into my brain out of nowhere. It could be a simple obscenity, or it could be an obscenity with someone's name attached to it. It could be an obscenity with my own name attached to it. Or it may have nothing to do with obscenities at all. It might be "I hate (fill in the blank)." Or it could be religion related (the worst of them all -- because OCD perceives it as offense against God for which I may never be forgiven).

All that happens in a fraction of a second. Where I suppose someone without OCD wouldn't even know the thought was there, or if they did, would certainly not obsess over it, I do. And do. And do.

The guilt sets in. OCD tells me I'm a horrible person for having such a thought. I believe it -- after all, who but a horrible person would think that? (Never mind that I didn't really THINK it. It just kind of showed up.)

I sometimes try to acknowledge that thoughts mean nothing. It's actions, it's how I am as a person and how I treat others that really matters. Rarely does this approach work. Sometimes I may even debate OCD about it: "That's b.s.," OCD might say. "You're not really a good person, you're just pretending. Maybe you're fooling some people -- but don't count on it." (Ok, it's more an OCD monologue than a debate.)

Then come the compulsions. It could be a counting ritual. But more often, it's mentally asking God for forgiveness, or one of several variations I've developed over the years. I don't ask just once, of course. Often 20 times -- and not just a simple: "Please forgive me." For me, it's a multilevel apology that I've done so many times I have it memorized. If 20 times doesn't work, I could go to 40, or 45.

And yes, I'm quite likely to have another bad though while in the midst of asking for forgiveness for the original one. So a mix of apologies may continue. This could be where I slap myself in the head to try to stop the process.

It depends if I'm alone or with others how intense this all becomes and how long it goes on. If I need to, for instance, get back to work, or focus on driving, or interact with someone, I can generally refocus, if at least for a short time.

Sometimes I still ask for forgiveness while I'm having a conversation with someone. It kind of scares me to think that I can split my brain in two like that, but I do.

I feel like I'm running out of steam on my anatomy of a 'bad thought' -- it's pretty intense, to be honest. So that'll be all for know.

I just hope it's helpful to others who may have a similar experience.

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