Skip to main content

Show me a mirror and I'll show you my faults

Mirror, mirror on the wall, I can't look at you at all...

If it were socially acceptable, I would cover up all mirrors I come across. I can't stand looking at myself -- even catching a glimpse of myself. If there's a positive attribute, my brain puts a negative spin on it. And if it's a negative attribute -- of which there are many to chose from -- my brain takes the opportunity and runs with it.

I've never been formally diagnosed with body dysmorphic disorder, but given how I see myself, and the connection of BDD to OCD, I'd say there's a pretty good chance I have it to a degree.

Growing up I was way overweight and short -- I'm still short (still waiting for that growth spurt into adulthood) but having spent time at the gym and paying some attention to my food intake, the weight has evened out.

That said, when I look in a mirror, I see the unattractive stuff.

Is it all real? I honestly don't know for sure. It seems real. And my OCD training tells me I'm not supposed to ask others for reassurance. Though I do from time to time, I'm pretty much left with my own thoughts on my appearance.

So bottom line, they're true to me.

I've even been known to wipe a small circle in the mirror after a shower to see just my head so I can comb my hair. A circle just big enough for what I need to do and no bigger -- lest I see other parts of my body by mistake.

I recall as a kid my father wearing multiple layers of sweaters even on warm days. I realize now, knowing he had OCD too, that he was probably just covering up his body. I've done similar.

I'm working on this, but I can't see myself standing naked in front of a full-length mirror anytime soon.

If I do, it'll be with one eye open at most.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The day I turned claustrophobic

I never thought I was claustrophobic -- it never even occurred to me that I might be. Until I went for my first MRI. I'm not sure this has anything to do with OCD, though in my case I think it does, because now when faced with an MRI I tend to catastrophize -- focusing on having the worst possible experience in that tube weeks ahead of the actual appointment. For my first MRI I was offered a Valium to keep me calm. I cockily said no, don't need it, and proceeded to get on the MRI table. My recollection is that I didn't start to panic right away, as they slid me head first into the tube. But I do recall starting to get a little uncomfortable. Then they handed me a panic button in case I needed to get out. They turned the machine on and in maybe a second -- at most -- I was hitting away at the button. Kicking my legs up and down. Yelling something to the effect of "Get me out. Now!" Of course I was embarrassed and it goes without saying that I got no furth...
2 comments
Read more

Observing 'normal' behavior

About 10 years ago, I began noticing that I study people I consider "normal" to see how they react in certain situations. Like a researcher studying the ways of animals in the wild. How do people who don't have OCD act, compared to how I present myself? How does my brother greet someone he's meeting for the first time? Seems like he's really listening when the person tells my brother his name, as opposed to what I tend to do -- think about how the first thing out of my mouth could offend the person. I'm often more focused on what I'm saying, in an effort to get it just right . Those first words out of my mouth sometimes seem like I'm walking on a high wire. How does my girlfriend walk past a mirror? She stops and looks, as opposed to what I do -- which is do all I can to avoid seeing my reflection. I've never been diagnosed with body dysmorphic disorder but I think there's a 90 percent chance I have some degree of it. I can't stand my ap...
Post a Comment
Read more

Why searching information online might be doing me more harm than good

As much as I have come to depend on technology providing instant access to information, I sometimes wonder if it's causing me harm when it comes to OCD. I mentioned in a previous post that I have a great fear of forgetting things -- people's names, common facts, it runs the gamut. When I can't recall something, I go into a panic. Breathing becomes more difficult. My mind spins into thoughts of dementia. I'm sure many, if not most, therapists would tell me to sit with that discomfort of not remembering as a means of exposure therapy. Sit with it as it diminishes, and then ultimately, the hope is, I become desensitized to it and it holds no power. I agree with that approach. But so many times, now, as I sit with the anxiety of forgetting something I know it's just a Google search away. And more times than not, I take the 20 seconds and find the answer online. What was the name of the actor who starred in that movie? Check with Google. What band was it tha...
Post a Comment
Read more