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Show me a mirror and I'll show you my faults

Mirror, mirror on the wall, I can't look at you at all...

If it were socially acceptable, I would cover up all mirrors I come across. I can't stand looking at myself -- even catching a glimpse of myself. If there's a positive attribute, my brain puts a negative spin on it. And if it's a negative attribute -- of which there are many to chose from -- my brain takes the opportunity and runs with it.

I've never been formally diagnosed with body dysmorphic disorder, but given how I see myself, and the connection of BDD to OCD, I'd say there's a pretty good chance I have it to a degree.

Growing up I was way overweight and short -- I'm still short (still waiting for that growth spurt into adulthood) but having spent time at the gym and paying some attention to my food intake, the weight has evened out.

That said, when I look in a mirror, I see the unattractive stuff.

Is it all real? I honestly don't know for sure. It seems real. And my OCD training tells me I'm not supposed to ask others for reassurance. Though I do from time to time, I'm pretty much left with my own thoughts on my appearance.

So bottom line, they're true to me.

I've even been known to wipe a small circle in the mirror after a shower to see just my head so I can comb my hair. A circle just big enough for what I need to do and no bigger -- lest I see other parts of my body by mistake.

I recall as a kid my father wearing multiple layers of sweaters even on warm days. I realize now, knowing he had OCD too, that he was probably just covering up his body. I've done similar.

I'm working on this, but I can't see myself standing naked in front of a full-length mirror anytime soon.

If I do, it'll be with one eye open at most.


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