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Another view of memory hoarding

In July, I wrote about how "memory hoarding" is such a difficult aspect of OCD for me.

Essentially, I see it as an OCD-fueled obsession to remember every detail of a moment, interaction, event so I don't forget it. Of course, that's almost impossible, so I end up regretting not being able to recall every detail. And to make it worse, by trying to remember every minute detail, I lose my view of the bigger picture, thus diminishing my recall even further.

Last night, however, I think I found another aspect of memory hoarding.

I had a great evening with friends at a comedy club and was pleased with myself for not doing the standard hoarding activities and just, instead, enjoyed the moments.

But then, I noticed after I got home last night -- and then again today -- I started thinking about the evening, with my OCD brain telling me all the ways I messed up. How I "tainted" what was, sure, a fine evening but could have been so much better if I hadn't done this, this, or this.

Part of me knows it's OCD playing another game, but part of me obsesses over how I must have screwed up and that I'll never get those moments back to correct my errors.

What errors? Not really sure, but OCD is telling me they existed.

Just when I think I've scored a victory over OCD, it comes at me from another angle.

Then again, at least I'm aware of it and it's not totally blind-siding me like it used to.


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