OCD and ME

We've all seen those cliche -- and inaccurate -- images of what OCD is: the crooked pencil in a line of straight pencils, the one yellow M&M in the pile of reds. So for my post today I want to try to show what OCD really looks like, at least to me. This proved especially challenging, because my most painful and most consuming OCD is mental -- whether it's "bad thoughts" or religiousity or catastrophizing. But I'm going to give it a try. For the most part, the images that follow probably look ordinary, boring. But to my OCD mind, they have some serious power. A normal bathroom soap dispenser? Yes. But my OCD tells me I have to pump it 7 times, or in multiples of 7, whenever I wash my hands. Just clothes in a closet. We've all seen this. But to my OCD mind, all the clothes "must" be facing to the right. Buttons to the right, prints on t-shirts to the right. I've tried hard to let them face left when I've made an error and i

I never thought I was claustrophobic -- it never even occurred to me that I might be. Until I went for my first MRI. I'm not sure this has anything to do with OCD, though in my case I think it does, because now when faced with an MRI I tend to catastrophize -- focusing on having the worst possible experience in that tube weeks ahead of the actual appointment. For my first MRI I was offered a Valium to keep me calm. I cockily said no, don't need it, and proceeded to get on the MRI table. My recollection is that I didn't start to panic right away, as they slid me head first into the tube. But I do recall starting to get a little uncomfortable. Then they handed me a panic button in case I needed to get out. They turned the machine on and in maybe a second -- at most -- I was hitting away at the button. Kicking my legs up and down. Yelling something to the effect of "Get me out. Now!" Of course I was embarrassed and it goes without saying that I got no furth

Getting this out of the way right off the top: I'm not sure I can describe all the feelings that go through my head when I have what OCD is telling me is a 'bad thought.' It's something I've been experiencing since I was a  child -- many, many times a day -- but I don't think I've ever fully described it to anyone. But I'm going to give it a try. Here goes: The thought comes into my brain out of nowhere. It could be a simple obscenity, or it could be an obscenity with someone's name attached to it. It could be an obscenity with my own name attached to it. Or it may have nothing to do with obscenities at all. It might be "I hate (fill in the blank)." Or it could be religion related (the worst of them all -- because OCD perceives it as offense against God for which I may never be forgiven). All that happens in a fraction of a second. Where I suppose someone without OCD wouldn't even know the thought was there, or if they did, woul

Yesterday I was thinking about what my life would be like without OCD. Almost all of the differences would be positive, but as a friend reminded me, I believe that some elements of my personality (empathy, compassion) at least, in part, are stronger because I've had  mental health challenges. So here's a list -- a partial one, because who has time to read a comprehensive list, anyway? -- of things that would NOT be part of my daily life if I didn't have OCD. A constant need to count things (such as how many times I look at a religious symbol). A constant need to have items (such as scissors) pointing up and to the right, out of some OCD concept that up and to the right is good, down and to the left is bad. A fear that so many decisions I make will have some powerful implication on someone else's, if not everyone else's, well-being. And I don't mean major decisions, could be simply how I fold a bathroom towel or whether I throw away a piece of trash now

In July, I wrote about how "memory hoarding" is such a difficult aspect of OCD for me. Essentially, I see it as an OCD-fueled obsession to remember every detail of a moment, interaction, event so I don't forget it. Of course, that's almost impossible, so I end up regretting not being able to recall every detail. And to make it worse, by trying to remember every minute detail, I lose my view of the bigger picture, thus diminishing my recall even further. Last night, however, I think I found another aspect of memory hoarding. I had a great evening with friends at a comedy club and was pleased with myself for not doing the standard hoarding activities and just, instead, enjoyed the moments. But then, I noticed after I got home last night -- and then again today -- I started thinking about the evening, with my OCD brain telling me all the ways I messed up. How I "tainted" what was, sure, a fine evening but could have been so much better if I hadn't

When I'm around people I still have OCD, I just find ways of hiding it -- or more precisely -- of doing my obsessions and compulsions in ways that aren't so obvious. At work, I have a desk in the corner of the room that faces a wall. It seemed weird at first, but then it was somehow comforting. I now think it gives me a sense of privacy -- kind of having my own office, without the door. At my desk I do have my OCD moments -- counting, staring at things, praying and then of course sometimes hitting myself in the head to get certain compulsions to stop. As much as I think someone must have seen me do this, it's actually quite possible they haven't. I'm kind of an OCD ninja, or an OCD magician -- now you see it, now you don't. Did you see me do something compulsive? No? But I did, and right in front of you. At home I sneak my obsessive routines in when no one is looking -- praying, touching things a certain number of times, looking at things, showering and