Skip to main content

What OCD really looks like

We've all seen those cliche -- and inaccurate -- images of what OCD is: the crooked pencil in a line of straight pencils, the one yellow M&M in the pile of reds.

So for my post today I want to try to show what OCD really looks like, at least to me.

This proved especially challenging, because my most painful and most consuming OCD is mental -- whether it's "bad thoughts" or religiousity or catastrophizing.

But I'm going to give it a try.

For the most part, the images that follow probably look ordinary, boring. But to my OCD mind, they have some serious power.

A normal bathroom soap dispenser? Yes. But my OCD tells me I have to pump it 7 times, or in multiples of 7, whenever I wash my hands.


Just clothes in a closet. We've all seen this. But to my OCD mind, all the clothes "must" be facing to the right. Buttons to the right, prints on t-shirts to the right. I've tried hard to let them face left when I've made an error and it's virtually impossible not to feel the anxiety.

Memorial candles for my parents. To be honest, the fact there's only 4 is an improvement. When my mother first passed away I couldn't discard the annual memorial candles. It took a therapist to have me bring the collection of candles to an appointment and literally place them in the trash can in her office. Clearly, though, I still have trouble getting rid of them once they've burned out. It feels disrespectful. But it's really a hoarding issue of sorts.


Shoes in a closet. All pointing forward. Again, this is a bit of an improvement. For years, since I was about 12, they had to be perfectly lined up, facing forward. Then I started just tossing them into the closet haphazardly. Now I've regressed a bit to facing forward, though angles seems to be ok.


Food in a cabinet. Again, nothing to look at here. Except you'll notice they're leaning to the right -- never the left. Right is "good" to my OCD brain.

Towel folding has always been a big OCD issue for me. As a kid they had to be folded "perfectly" to prevent loved ones from getting into car accidents. Now, they just need to be folded well. A close look will show that the bottom front is higher than the bottom back. OCD tells me it "must" be that way. I'm not sure why, but when it's not, the anxiety is extreme.

I have some level of body dysmorphic disorder. I can't stand looking in a mirror. When I take a shower, I close the bathroom door so the mirror will steam up. Then to comb my hair, I wipe just enough of the mirror to see my head. No more. I've been doing this for years, I suppose, but just realized it recently. It looks kind of funny, but mirrors are no laughing matter to me.

Well, that's just a small fraction of what OCD looks like to me. I'll try taking more pictures as I come across scenes that make some sense.

Hope it's of some help for you to see these images.
 


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Could I be clinging to OCD?: Part 2

In a recent post, I suggested that, as much as I fight the idea, I could be holding on to OCD rather than letting it go. That it's a safety net. I made the argument that having OCD around gives me something to blame if things go wrong. But I think I missed the point. The more I consider it, the more I feel that if I am clinging to OCD it's because the compulsive rituals give my brain a sense that I have control over things. Oh sure, in my clear mind I know touching something a certain number of times or counting to a number that feels "good" isn't going to keep every driver I see on the road from getting into an accident, but my OCD brain doesn't acknowledge that. So the OCD repetitions give me a sense that I can have a say in how things turn out in a world that, in reality, is extremely random. As psychologically painful as OCD is, the concept that I can control things just by doing some rituals offsets that -- at least in my OCD mind. Letting g...
Post a Comment
Read more

The First Signs

It wasn’t until I was in my 20s that I even had a hint I had OCD – or what OCD even was. But then, just by chance, I came across Judith L. Rapoport’s groundbreaking OCD book “The Boy Who Couldn’t Stop Washing.” Even the title resonated with me. It sounded like my story. Up until then I just thought I was quirky, maybe weird. But looking back, the signs were there at least dating back to my early teens. My first memory of an OCD compulsion was when I used to line up my shoes on the floor. To my OCD brain, they couldn’t be crooked, one couldn’t point right and the other left. They had to be parallel or it just didn’t feel right, something would be off. Truth is, that compulsion stuck with me until I was probably well into my 30s, when I forced myself to just toss my shoes into my closet and whatever happened, happened. I guess I’ve drifted back toward keeping them parallel, now that I think of it. Next, I recall picking up clumps of dust in the hallway leading ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Does this sound familiar?

How many people with OCD have experienced something like this? I reconnected with a childhood friend recently on Facebook -- haven't spoken with her in decades. Turns out she travels to near where I live on a regular basis and she told me she'd let me know when she's in town next. Of course, OCD told me "she'll forget" ... but she didn't. And we're planning to meet up in a couple of weeks. As soon as I confirmed we'd be having dinner, OCD leaped into action. Instead of me just being excited about seeing a friend from my elementary school days, OCD made sure I had other things to worry about. "What if you have nothing to talk about? It's not like you talked much before." "Who's going to pay for dinner? What if she doesn't like the same food you do?" "Where will you park? It's a crowded area." "What time will you need to leave work to get to dinner on time?" "What about tr...
Post a Comment
Read more