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What OCD really looks like

We've all seen those cliche -- and inaccurate -- images of what OCD is: the crooked pencil in a line of straight pencils, the one yellow M&M in the pile of reds.

So for my post today I want to try to show what OCD really looks like, at least to me.

This proved especially challenging, because my most painful and most consuming OCD is mental -- whether it's "bad thoughts" or religiousity or catastrophizing.

But I'm going to give it a try.

For the most part, the images that follow probably look ordinary, boring. But to my OCD mind, they have some serious power.

A normal bathroom soap dispenser? Yes. But my OCD tells me I have to pump it 7 times, or in multiples of 7, whenever I wash my hands.


Just clothes in a closet. We've all seen this. But to my OCD mind, all the clothes "must" be facing to the right. Buttons to the right, prints on t-shirts to the right. I've tried hard to let them face left when I've made an error and it's virtually impossible not to feel the anxiety.

Memorial candles for my parents. To be honest, the fact there's only 4 is an improvement. When my mother first passed away I couldn't discard the annual memorial candles. It took a therapist to have me bring the collection of candles to an appointment and literally place them in the trash can in her office. Clearly, though, I still have trouble getting rid of them once they've burned out. It feels disrespectful. But it's really a hoarding issue of sorts.


Shoes in a closet. All pointing forward. Again, this is a bit of an improvement. For years, since I was about 12, they had to be perfectly lined up, facing forward. Then I started just tossing them into the closet haphazardly. Now I've regressed a bit to facing forward, though angles seems to be ok.


Food in a cabinet. Again, nothing to look at here. Except you'll notice they're leaning to the right -- never the left. Right is "good" to my OCD brain.

Towel folding has always been a big OCD issue for me. As a kid they had to be folded "perfectly" to prevent loved ones from getting into car accidents. Now, they just need to be folded well. A close look will show that the bottom front is higher than the bottom back. OCD tells me it "must" be that way. I'm not sure why, but when it's not, the anxiety is extreme.

I have some level of body dysmorphic disorder. I can't stand looking in a mirror. When I take a shower, I close the bathroom door so the mirror will steam up. Then to comb my hair, I wipe just enough of the mirror to see my head. No more. I've been doing this for years, I suppose, but just realized it recently. It looks kind of funny, but mirrors are no laughing matter to me.

Well, that's just a small fraction of what OCD looks like to me. I'll try taking more pictures as I come across scenes that make some sense.

Hope it's of some help for you to see these images.
 


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