In a recent post, I suggested that, as much as I fight the idea, I could be holding on to OCD rather than letting it go. That it's a safety net.
I made the argument that having OCD around gives me something to blame if things go wrong.
But I think I missed the point.
The more I consider it, the more I feel that if I am clinging to OCD it's because the compulsive rituals give my brain a sense that I have control over things.
Oh sure, in my clear mind I know touching something a certain number of times or counting to a number that feels "good" isn't going to keep every driver I see on the road from getting into an accident, but my OCD brain doesn't acknowledge that.
So the OCD repetitions give me a sense that I can have a say in how things turn out in a world that, in reality, is extremely random. As psychologically painful as OCD is, the concept that I can control things just by doing some rituals offsets that -- at least in my OCD mind.
Letting go of OCD, then, would leave the random world very random. And that's very scary.
Even admitting that repetitions really have no impact on events is very scary.
I mentioned before that as a child I would pick up clumps of dust in the hallway leading to my grandmother's bedroom when she was in bed very sick. My OCD mind told me that somehow, picking up the dust would make her better.
Clinging to OCD all these years later is like picking up the dust. It's giving me a sense that I'm doing something to affect an outcome.
Of course, picking up the dust didn't help my grandmother.
I need to keep reminding myself of that.
I made the argument that having OCD around gives me something to blame if things go wrong.
But I think I missed the point.
The more I consider it, the more I feel that if I am clinging to OCD it's because the compulsive rituals give my brain a sense that I have control over things.
Oh sure, in my clear mind I know touching something a certain number of times or counting to a number that feels "good" isn't going to keep every driver I see on the road from getting into an accident, but my OCD brain doesn't acknowledge that.
So the OCD repetitions give me a sense that I can have a say in how things turn out in a world that, in reality, is extremely random. As psychologically painful as OCD is, the concept that I can control things just by doing some rituals offsets that -- at least in my OCD mind.
Letting go of OCD, then, would leave the random world very random. And that's very scary.
Even admitting that repetitions really have no impact on events is very scary.
I mentioned before that as a child I would pick up clumps of dust in the hallway leading to my grandmother's bedroom when she was in bed very sick. My OCD mind told me that somehow, picking up the dust would make her better.
Clinging to OCD all these years later is like picking up the dust. It's giving me a sense that I'm doing something to affect an outcome.
Of course, picking up the dust didn't help my grandmother.
I need to keep reminding myself of that.
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