OCD By the Numbers

1 = good
2 = good (but 2 x 2 bad)
3 = good (but 3 x 2 bad)
4 = fair
5 = good
6 = bad (but 6 x 2 fair)
7 = good (but 7 x 2 bad)
8 = bad
9 = good
10 = good

One of my primary compulsions is “good” numbers and “bad” numbers. I can eat 2 M&Ms for instance, but if I eat 4, I need to eat a 5th. If not, I feel uncomfortable – like something will go terribly wrong. I’m not sure what, but it’ll be something and it’ll be bad. It’s like an unscratchable itch that doesn’t go away until I eat that 5th M&M. It sounds crazy – and maybe it is. But that’s true for a lot of OCD obsessions and compulsions.

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The day I turned claustrophobic

I never thought I was claustrophobic -- it never even occurred to me that I might be. Until I went for my first MRI. I'm not sure this has anything to do with OCD, though in my case I think it does, because now when faced with an MRI I tend to catastrophize -- focusing on having the worst possible experience in that tube weeks ahead of the actual appointment. For my first MRI I was offered a Valium to keep me calm. I cockily said no, don't need it, and proceeded to get on the MRI table. My recollection is that I didn't start to panic right away, as they slid me head first into the tube. But I do recall starting to get a little uncomfortable. Then they handed me a panic button in case I needed to get out. They turned the machine on and in maybe a second -- at most -- I was hitting away at the button. Kicking my legs up and down. Yelling something to the effect of "Get me out. Now!" Of course I was embarrassed and it goes without saying that I got no furth...

A fear of not knowing

Every Sunday night I feel compelled to check my work email to see what came in over the weekend. It's not that I'm required to, nor do I even need to, it's that I have a great fear of things going on that I am not aware of. It's OCD telling me, "You'd better check to see if your co-workers have been trying to reach you. Maybe you're missing something important. This could when they figure out you're no good at what you do. Check the email. Check it. Check it." Never mind that anyone who needs me can reach me by cell -- everyone has my number and I always have my phone. It's hard to describe the feeling of anxiety that comes over me. I tell myself not to check my email, but 99 percent of the time, it's less painful to essentially start my work week on Sunday night, than it is to ruminate on what might be going on without me knowing. For the first time, tonight, as I was checking my work email I saw a connection with something I used ...

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OCD and ME

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