It was one of those moments when I knew I wasn't alone in my anxiety.
I was at an OCD conference and the speaker had just described something I'd experienced for years. I just never had a name for it -- and frankly, wouldn't even have known how to describe it in the first place.
But he knew what it was -- "memory hoarding."
As it's explained in an article from the OCD Center of Los Angeles, memory hoarding is "a mental compulsion to over-attend to the details of an event, person, or object in an attempt to mentally store it for safekeeping. ... People with memory hoarding OCD exhibit two major errors in information processing. The first error is the distorted belief that they will need this memory someday, and that it would be catastrophic if the memory weren’t 100% accurate. Second, people with memory hoarding also have the distorted belief that memories can be treated the same way as inanimate objects."
(Essentially, as I understand it, the second error is that unlike photos and recordings, memories change over time, as much as people with memory hoarding OCD may not feel comfortable with that.)
It's all me. All of that.
Bad events tend to stick in my memory with little difficulty, but with the good things, I guess I have a great fear of losing them, once the event is over. So I cling to the memory. So much so that I can tell I'm missing out on some aspects of the actual event while it's happening as I try to make sure I have every detail down for what just took place.
And perhaps most frustrating, and certainly most ironic, the more special the moment, the harder it is for me.
OCD tells me I need to remember everything about an event, or the look of a person, just as accurately -- emotionally, visually, in all ways -- today, tomorrow, 10 years from now. It has to feel like I'm back in that moment.
This one is particularly tricky for me, because, as much as I'd like to say, intellectually, that I understand this is virtually impossible, it's hard for me to accept.
Why can't I remember something 10 years from now like I do today? I remember being insulted in 7th grade almost word for word, why can't I remember every feeling I had when I was at the baseball game watching my team win in the bottom of the 9th inning?
To make it even more painful, as soon as a pleasant event is over, I do an inventory of my mind to see if all the memories are there. And when I can't remember something, I start panicking.
The other day I had a wonderful dinner with an old friend I hadn't seen in years. It went great, better than I could have imagined after such a long time.
And what did I do on my drive home? I fixated on the elements of the visit that I couldn't feel emotionally just like I had an hour earlier. I got scared when I couldn't recall exactly how the conversation went, almost trying to replay it start to finish.
Knowing I'm not alone with this is helpful. And I'm working to overcome it.
But it's nonetheless painful and I regret attaching negative OCD feelings to what should be wonderful memories.
I was at an OCD conference and the speaker had just described something I'd experienced for years. I just never had a name for it -- and frankly, wouldn't even have known how to describe it in the first place.
But he knew what it was -- "memory hoarding."
As it's explained in an article from the OCD Center of Los Angeles, memory hoarding is "a mental compulsion to over-attend to the details of an event, person, or object in an attempt to mentally store it for safekeeping. ... People with memory hoarding OCD exhibit two major errors in information processing. The first error is the distorted belief that they will need this memory someday, and that it would be catastrophic if the memory weren’t 100% accurate. Second, people with memory hoarding also have the distorted belief that memories can be treated the same way as inanimate objects."
(Essentially, as I understand it, the second error is that unlike photos and recordings, memories change over time, as much as people with memory hoarding OCD may not feel comfortable with that.)
It's all me. All of that.
Bad events tend to stick in my memory with little difficulty, but with the good things, I guess I have a great fear of losing them, once the event is over. So I cling to the memory. So much so that I can tell I'm missing out on some aspects of the actual event while it's happening as I try to make sure I have every detail down for what just took place.
And perhaps most frustrating, and certainly most ironic, the more special the moment, the harder it is for me.
OCD tells me I need to remember everything about an event, or the look of a person, just as accurately -- emotionally, visually, in all ways -- today, tomorrow, 10 years from now. It has to feel like I'm back in that moment.
This one is particularly tricky for me, because, as much as I'd like to say, intellectually, that I understand this is virtually impossible, it's hard for me to accept.
Why can't I remember something 10 years from now like I do today? I remember being insulted in 7th grade almost word for word, why can't I remember every feeling I had when I was at the baseball game watching my team win in the bottom of the 9th inning?
To make it even more painful, as soon as a pleasant event is over, I do an inventory of my mind to see if all the memories are there. And when I can't remember something, I start panicking.
The other day I had a wonderful dinner with an old friend I hadn't seen in years. It went great, better than I could have imagined after such a long time.
And what did I do on my drive home? I fixated on the elements of the visit that I couldn't feel emotionally just like I had an hour earlier. I got scared when I couldn't recall exactly how the conversation went, almost trying to replay it start to finish.
Knowing I'm not alone with this is helpful. And I'm working to overcome it.
But it's nonetheless painful and I regret attaching negative OCD feelings to what should be wonderful memories.
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