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More trouble with numbers

As mentioned before, OCD tells me there are "good" numbers and there are "bad" numbers. And in most cases, it doesn't make a whole of sense.

I can see why 13 would feel like a bad number -- its supposed link to bad luck is well documented. But why 4? 18 is a good number and that makes sense -- in the Jewish faith it symbolizes life. But why would the reverse of that number, 81, feel bad to me?

The real issue is how I react when I encounter "bad" numbers. If I have 4 cookies, for instance, my OCD tells me I have to have a 5th (5 being "good"). It's hard to describe the feeling of eating 4 cookies. There's an anxiety that is palpable -- a need to run and hide. It's a horrible feeling of uncertainty, as if I've failed not only myself but others.

Yes, my brain tells me by eating 4 cookies I've let people down. Had I eaten just 3, we'd all be fine, but 4 and I'm putting people at risk.

I'm not saying that makes sense. It doesn't. And looking at it from a distance, it sometimes strikes me as being pretty funny. But in the moment, in that time of numerical anxiety, it feels awful. So I eat a 5th cookie.

And then my feelings of being fat set in.

How could I eat a 5th cookie, my OCD brain asks me?

Remember when you used to weigh 30 pounds more than you do now? And those two "friends" in 5th grade made fun of your weight? That 5th cookie will lead to another, which will lead to a 10-pound gain, which is so close to 30 how will you be able to save yourself from being fat again?

That's what my brain tells me. Nice, guy, huh?


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