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Good letters, bad letters

I wrote previously about my OCD brain convincing me there are "good" numbers (9, 10, 17, 18, for instance) and "bad" numbers (4, 6, 8, 13, 14 and more). Similarly, OCD tells me there are good and bad letters.

In the case of letters, it makes a little more sense. G and Y are good (G is the first letter in God, Y the first letter in Yahweh -- the Hebrew name for God -- so there's some logic to that). T is good (lowercase t is like the Christian cross, so again, it makes some sense).

But OCD doesn't stop there: D is bad (devil starts with d, though it's sometimes good because God ends with d). H is bad (it's the first letter in hell, but then, it's also good, because it's the first letter in heaven). How I feel about these letters at any given moment, I suppose depends on how I'm doing in general. I don't really know why my perception changes.

When I hand write "good" letters, OCD tells me they need to slant up and to the right. Why? Because OCD tells me up and to the right is more respectful of these good letters than any other direction. I've been known to write the letter y, for example, then trace over it until it's at an angle that feels "right."

Does that make sense? Of course not, but we're talking OCD here.

If I'm typing something and a word starting with a "good" letter, g for instance, is left of center on a line, I may delete a word or two so that the g word is now on the right side of the page, where OCD says it belongs. Again, right is good in my OCD mind.

Let's just say it can take me a little longer than most to write or type a letter to a friend!

And how do I know when I'm done with a word or a letter?

When it finally feels right, when the sensation that something is crawling under my skin, causing me discomfort and anxiety, has subsided -- maybe not completely, but at least to where I can move on.

I spent some time in therapy with an OCD specialist who had me write lines and lines of y's and g's over and over and not "fix" those that felt wrong.

It made a big difference, but it's still a work in progress.

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